It seems that all the fashion rage now for Midwestern teenage girls and young female adults is what I wore when I was a Midwestern teenage girl and young adult. I guess the fact that my clothes went out of style and have already come back either makes me old or is indicative of the fact people my age are designing all the juniors clothes and Gen Z is falling for it like a girl who had too much jungle juice at a frat party.
Young ladies, I’m going to do help you out here and give you a heads-up on some of the hazards of your current fashion choices (I know, because I’ve lived through them), and how to make your vintage fashion aspirations even more authentic.
Take caution:
High-waisted jeans: I see you’re wearing high-waisted jeans again. That’s cute, and I get you wanna’ define your tiny waists that have not yet been ravaged by a human being forming inside of your pelvis and then coming screaming out of it. But here’s something you and I both know: those high-waisted jeans aren’t comfortable. Maybe you haven’t reached the phase of life yet where you bloat every night after eating anything with a tomato or grease. But girls, I know you still bloat. It’s God’s special, menstrual gift to you. And you know what doesn’t feel good when you bloat? A brass snap digging into your belly button. And I hope you never get gassy, because Lord knows there’s no room for that with a zipper digging into your puffed-up pooch. I’m not saying the ultra low-rise pants that followed the high-waisted jeans of the 90s were better, ($5 those’ll be back by 2026) but at least there was room to take a deep breath, even if your butt crack was showing.
Flair-/ wide-leg jeans: Now girls, if you haven’t gotten distracted doing some moronic TikTok challenge by now, this is the most important thing I’m going to tell you today: DO NOT RIDE A BICYCLE WHILE WEARING FLAIR- OR WIDE-LEG PANTS. Trust me on this one. The bottoms will get caught in the bike chain. Just ask the members of my college football team who were coming out of weight-training in Pershing Hall at the exact moment I wiped out there. Yes, it provided a little damsel-in-distress moment where a bunch of them came over and asked if I was OK. But also I was the klutzy idiot who wrecked her bike in front of the college football team, and it was all because of those damn flair-leg pants.
Torn all-over jeans: Are you hip or did you have a lawn-mowing accident? In about two months, it’ll be too cold for those, anyway.
*Obviously, the safest and best jean choices here are mid-rise, bootcut jeans which have always been comfy and looked good on everyone.*
Crop tops: Apparently, these are now allowed in schools. In the real 90s, a girl showing a shoulder or a midriff within the sacred halls of a public high school was far too distracting for boys to learn science, so they nipped that shit in the bud. You either got an ugly T-shirt from the office to wear or got sent home. And as I often heard in places like church camp, we couldn’t be causing our brothers to stumble. (To this day I won’t wear spaghetti straps because what if I make a man have lustful thoughts? He obviously has no self control or mind of his own, and me parading my clavicles around like a floozie just puts him in a bad spot.) The only time I ever saw a boy get in trouble for a dress code violation in high school was a kid wearing a Butthole Surfers shirt. (That was a one-hit wonder band, in the 90s, kids, when the word “butthole” was prohibited on apparel in school.) So I can’t give you too much advice on crop tops because they were coveted but mostly banned in my youth, but I can warn you that they’re cold. I see your little cropped sweaters, and trust me, they will do you no favors in a Midwestern February.
Middle hair parts: This just makes your face look fat. Stop.
Authenticating your 90s/Y2K look
So, young ladies, you’re close but not quite there on your 90s aspirations. I’m going to give you some tips to really help you be authentic and be the envy of all your conformist friends:
1. Glittery butterfly hair clips - twist sections of your dumb, middle-parted hair into these and clip that crap all over your head.
2. Doc Martens - I made a deal with my mom my sophomore year of high school that I would pay for one of these shoes if she would pay for the other. They last FOREVER and look bad with everything.
3. Tweeze the bejeezus out of your eyebrows - you’re going for a “I finished chemo a month ago” look.
4. Lip-liner - It needs to be four shades darker than your lips. Then don’t wear any lipstick.
5. Perfume - You should smell like CK1 or vanilla. There are no other choices.
6. Ditch your phone - I know you think I just said “stop breathing,” but hear me out: for the most part, we didn’t have cell phones in the 90s, and it was glorious. Our parents didn’t know where we were. We saw our friends in person. There was no cyber-bullying. There was no place to share how stupid we were with the entire universe for all of time and future employers. No unwanted dick pics just popping up to ruin your day. If you want to be totally committed to your 90s/Y2K look, you won’t have a cell phone. You can get almost the same thrill by figuring out how to type “boobies” upside down on a calculator and showing it to your friend.
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