What Women Don't Want

An open letter to men of the world with devices capable of taking digital photos:

I know this might hurt, but I’m just going to give it to you straight (or curved, as the case may be): women don’t want to see your penis. 

For reasons my estrogen-filled brain can’t seem to comprehend, many of you seem to believe that we females would like nothing more than for a picture of your dong to pop up on our phones. I have yet to hear a woman say, “Yes! A dick pic! Just what I always wanted!” 

I get that it’s a big deal to you. But as far as human anatomy goes, it’s honestly one of the least attractive external pieces. Like comical, really. I know I’m biased because all my reproductive organs are internal and neatly tucked away, but I think even men have to admit that the baloney pony is pretty ridiculous-looking. 

I am fortunate in that I dated and married before dick pics were so widespread. I also seriously dated and then married a man who had no compulsion to photograph his flesh banana and send it to me. So while my personal dick pic experience is limited, I’ve still had some. The first was apparently a wrong-number dick pic that I received while at work in the early 2010s. I got a text message from a number I didn’t recognize, opened it up, stared at it perplexed for a moment and then screamed once I realized what I was looking at. Everyone else in the office wanted to know what was wrong, and I don’t keep much to myself, so I showed it around, along with asking, “What IS that?” So this particular gherkin had some weird, glowing thing on the top, which, by office consensus, was determined to be a “cock ring.” I’m pretty darn naive and learned that very day what such a ring is. 

As part of my job, I also manage some public social media pages to which upset women sometimes like to send the dick pics they have received against their will. I don’t want them either, ladies; I don’t want them, either. On about a monthly basis, I also receive friend requests on social media from male military members and Middle Eastern men that I always deny for a number of reasons, but prime among them is that I suspect they’re just looking for a woman to which they can send pictures of their slippery love dolphins.

One of my recently divorced friends who also last dated in the pre-dick pic era has had a rude awakening into what dating is apparently like in 2019. Dudes don’t only send her dick pics, they send dick videos. This is like things-women-don’t-want-to-see times 100. Men, what do you hope to accomplish with this? Do you think, “Well, if she sees how the ole’ jibberstick jiggles, she’s going to come running?” You’re right about the running, but she’s going to run in the opposite direction, far away from you and your thrill drill. 

And just from a legal perspective, if you pull your package out in public in front of people, it’s indecent exposure. I’m not a lawyer, but I think a woman who gets an unwanted dick pic has a pretty good case for the same thing. And if not that, it’s a slam-dunk civil case for sexual harassment. 

So, you men might be asking, “Well, what part of my body can I show a woman to intrigue her?” Here’s the thing: the vast majority of women don’t get visually stimulated the same way you do. It’s why you do porn movies and we do romance novels, which respectively have pictures and don’t have pictures (and which also respectively don’t have plots and do have plots). It’s why pretty much the only naked men magazines are for men who are attracted to other men (at least according to what I saw at a truck stop magazine rack once). The body part a woman most wants to see is your face. And OK, some nicely toned V muscles, too. But nothing lower than that. 

Stand-up comic Alingon Mitra did a great bit on this when he was on the show Last Comic Standing. I have tried in vain to find the video, but I can’t, so I’ll summarize this the best I can remember. His thesis was that most women find men very attractive when men wear well-cut suits - something which covers every part of the body with one, if not two, layers. He said a woman would say something like, “Ooh, you look so fine, but you know what would be even hotter? If you put on a vest!”.

So, dear men, you have heard our pleas: stop the dick pics. This Valentine’s Day, I guarantee you a woman would rather get some chocolate-dipped strawberries than a picture of your twig and berries. 

Credit for several of the aforementioned penis euphemisms: https://gregology.net/reference/dicktionary/