The agony and the ecstasy of having one of the world's cutest babies

I’m not really sure how it happened, but somehow I ended up with one of the world’s cutest babies. It can be kind of a burden sometimes (I just want to finish my grocery shopping but keep getting stopped by all these people who want to tell me how cute my kid is!), and I spend a lot of time feeling badly for other people whose babies aren’t as cute. 

Spencer at 7 months old.

I realize he’s three months away from being 2 years old and is thus more of a toddler than a baby, but he’s still one of the cutest toddlers (see photo at bottom of post). I don’t say this because I’m his mother. I say this objectively. If my baby was ugly, I’d own it. I’d admit it to myself and carry on (I’d never let him know I thought so, of course). I’ve seen lots of ugly babies. Some of them from very attractive parents. I think my husband and I are of slightly above average attractiveness levels (I do think he’s just a little bit hotter than me), so I don’t understand how we created this off-the-charts adorable offspring. My mom’s theory is that because I’m not very maternal by nature, God had to make my baby extra cute so I would care about him. That’s a little harsh, but it certainly didn’t hurt our mother-baby bond.

I think a big part of it is his baldness. Hairy babies just don’t do it for me. A little only slightly icky birth story aside here that you don’t have to read if you’re not into that sort of thing: When he was crowning, the delivery nurse said, “Oh, he’s a little cue ball! I can see the top of his head and there’s not a lick of hair on it!” Despite excruciating contractions, I was thrilled at this news and said, “That’s wonderful! I wanted a bald baby! I think they’re so much cuter!” To which my doctor, who’d just had a baby of her own six months prior, said, “Hey, my baby had a full head of hair, and she’s adorable!” I didn’t want to offend the person who would decide if my lady bits needed to be cut open or not, so I just said, “Oh, I’m sure she is,” all the while knowing she must be so sad inside about her not-as-cute baby.

The next day, when I posted my son’s first picture on Facebook (the 21st century birth announcement), there were many comments about how he was strangely adorable for a newborn. Maybe they were just being nice, but several commenters struck me as very sincere. Because most newborn babies look like swollen, grumpy, little old men. That’s what I was expecting. They’ve gotten beaten up in a vagina for hours and are puffy and exhausted. My son went through all that, but he looked like he’d just come from a day at the spa. He wasn’t puffy with those weird wrinkles newborns get under their eyes. He was perfect, and not just from a mother’s perspective.

I was still convinced, however, that I just thought he was so cute because I was his mom. But as he got older and we went out into public more and more, it became increasingly clear that he was objectively darling. Whenever we go anywhere, it’s like being out with a tiny celebrity. People stop me constantly to comment on how cute he is. I remember one time at the grocery store when he was about 10 or 11 months old, it happened FIVE times in one shopping trip. I didn’t think I’d ever get out of there. It was like being hounded by paparazzi. Paparazzi composed mostly of middle-aged women, but still. Just this week, a grumpy-looking dude behind me in line at check out couldn’t stop smiling when my kiddo looked at him, grabbed some of the fruit I was purchasing, held it up to the guy and proclaimed, “Apple!” That guy had the biggest grin, and then he kept giving my son little waves. It was obvious he didn’t want anyone else to see his interactions and think him unmasculine, but he could not step away from my child’s overpowering cuteness.

I’ve never really been into kids (I love my own, and I think that’s good enough), so I never paid much attention to the existence of babies before. Once I had my son, though, I started seeing other babies EVERYWHERE. Were they there all along and I’d just never noticed? Anyway, as I started taking notice of these other little ones, I just kept realizing how they were less cute than my kid was. Like 95 percent of them were uglier. My husband and I started taking note of the babies pictured on packages of diapers and baby food and in commercials, and he’d turn to me and say, “Why do they use such ugly babies for these things? Ours is way cuter.” We’ve just been too lazy to exploit him commercially. I don’t have time to be a stage mom. 

One of the vendors I work with regularly proudly e-mailed me a picture of her 4-month-old granddaughter just before Christmas. I opened it and said, “Oh, wow!” This baby was U-G-L-Y, no alibi ugly. She asked to see a picture of my baby, and I said I didn’t have one on my computer at work and would try to remember to e-mail her one later. It was all a lie, and I haven’t sent her one because I just think seeing my cute child would make her feel really badly about her non-cute grandkid, and I’m too nice of a person to do that.

My friend Traci, who also has an unusually cute baby, has the same feelings. She said when her family is at a restaurant, and they see another family with a baby there, they start to feel guilty. “My husband and I whisper to each other how awful those poor people must feel to see that their baby’s so much uglier compared to ours,” she said. “They thought they had a cute baby before they came in here, but now they know they don’t.”

It really is hard to carry around all that guilt and pity for parents of uncute infants and toddlers, but it’s my burden to bear. I wonder if this is how really attractive people view the world around them? If I were really pretty, would I look around and just judge everyone as less hot than me? I hope not. Because some very attractive people are very homely on the inside. (Did you ever see the movie, “Shallow Hal?” I thought it was a fantastic message, and I’d like a day where you could see how beautiful everyone was on the inside.) I hope my son remains attractive throughout his life, inside and out. 

We’re starting to see a little more of his personality as he gets older. The cute thing is coming out more and more now that he’s no longer just a cute blob but now also does cute things. He does cute imitations, says cute words, has cute little explosions of joy, etc. etc. But the physical cuteness definitely helps him when he’s being a little prick and his behavior is anything but cute. Like when it’s 3 a.m. and he thinks everyone should be awake to play with him. Or when he throws food on the floor without even trying it or has a tantrum at church because I won’t let him run freely down the aisle in the middle of the service. His cuteness does a lot to bring down his parents’ wrath during these times. He’d better hope that works for as long as possible.

Spencer last month (20 months old)