I have a humidifier AND a de-humidifier. A furnace AND an air-conditioner. A snow-blower AND a sprinkler system. Here in the middle of the Midwest, I think we have some of the most variable weather in the world, and it means you have to have tons of crap to deal with it.
This became apparent to me recently when I saw a picture from one of my best friends who lives in England, as well as a visit with relatives. My British friend posted a picture on Facebook she’d just taken, and the grass was emerald green. I was looking at it while our local weather forecast was on TV, proclaiming that it was 7 degrees outside (Fahrenheit, as all temperatures referenced here shall be because America). Seven-degree weather does not make for green grass. It’s cold, brown and dead. I’ve visited England a couple of times, and while it never gets very cold there, it never gets very warm, either. I remember being freezing in June. Also, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend came in from southern California over the holidays. His girlfriend has lived there her whole life and was really hoping she’d see snow while she was here. It melted the day before they arrived.
All this got me thinking about how much extra crap we have to have in the Midwest to deal with the temperature variations. In recent years, it’s been as hot here as 110 and as cold as -15. Just the wardrobe implications of this alone are staggering. A whole section of my closet is devoted to thick, cushy sweaters. I have two winter coats: a super-insulated L.L. Bean parka that I’ve had since college that’s good to like -20, and a wool dress coat. Then there are a series of progressively thicker jackets and almost-coats for the fall and spring. There is another section of my closet housing tank tops and capri pants. If I lived in southern California, that’s all I’d ever need. If I lived in England, I’d hardly ever use those, but I wouldn’t need the arctic parka, either. A couple weeks ago, Target had an ad for an “end-of-season sweater sale.” I don’t know if they’re referring Tampa, but I can assure you it is not end-of-sweater season here. Sweaters will be worn for at least the next three months.
Then there’s all the stuff you have to do and have for your house, many of which I mentioned at the beginning. Not all of them are necessary, but they’ve made life a lot easier. The humidity here in the summer can be stifling. I have felt a “dry heat,” and it really is a great deal better. We have leaky basement issues, and the de-humidifier helps us deal with those during the sticky summer months and keeps the house cooler. But now that we’re in ass-cold season (we’ve been having an “arctic blast” for about a week now, according to local meteorologists) and the furnace is on blast, you could mummify if you didn’t keep moisturized. We’ve caused several weird electrical issues by walking around, unknowingly building up static electricity and shocking stuff. We invested in a humidifier this year, and it has made a world of difference. I’ve thought about putting the de-humidifier in the same mechanical closet as the humidifier and letting them duke it out.
Last year, our pipes froze, and then five months later our air-conditioner broke and we had to sleep in the basement while spritzing ourselves constantly with water to feel like we weren’t dying. We’ve had droughts and floods. Feet of snow and crazy heat waves. And many times, they can happen within the same week.
Another house-weather thing you have to consider in the Midwest is tornadoes. If you don’t have a basement here, you have a death wish. People on the coasts get hurricanes, but they know they’re coming. There’s enough time for someone to come up with a cute little name for them and spend days on TV projecting their track. You can have days to get away from something like that. Tornadoes drop down in minutes. I remember many nights of my childhood sitting in our basement laundry room on a pile of dirty clothes, holding the cat and listening to sirens outside and a weather radio. We did regular tornado drills at school. I have never been directly in the path of a tornado, but I’ve been darn close and seen the devastation afterward. I know people who lost their homes. And if you see on the news that someone died in a tornado, it’s usually always someone in a mobile home. Because those things don’t have basements, and you need one if you’re going to live here. It also doubles as a place that floods a lot. You don’t know fun until you’ve used a wet vac while trying to watch the Oscars.
This may all sound like a pain, but I think anywhere else would be boring. A meteorologist who started on one of our local TV stations a few years ago came here from Florida and said he was really glad to be here because the weather was so much more interesting. And it’s an excuse to have a lot of clothes. (I said that, not the meteorologist.)
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