If you’re going to go on a flight any time soon, I’m here to offer you some unique tips about flying postish-pandemic like the travel blogger that I’m not.
I fly a few times a year and have been lucky enough to do so a couple times in the past couple months. And by lucky I mean not really winning-the-lottery lucky so much as “well it’s really too bad you lost all your belongings in that flash flood but at least the rescue boat got there in time to get you and your dog before you died” lucky.
Due to a pile of complicated economic factors that I don’t claim to understand but I think include pent-up travel demand from COVID, understaffing and record-high fuel prices, flying on a commercial airline right now is more unpleasant than it’s ever been. And I once had to spend the night in Cincinnati after a missed connection only to find my dirty underwear tossed all over my suitcase by the TSA for a “random check.” Based upon my recent experiences, here are five things I would rather do than go on a flight right now:
1. Attend an all-weekend youth baseball tournament that starts at 7 a.m. each day during which the heat index is 105 degrees.
2. Listen to my 9-year-old tell me about Pokemon for hours every day.
3. Start a conversation about race on Twitter.
4. Swim in a lake with unhealthy levels of E. coli in the water.
5. Watch people eat oysters.
With constant delays and cancellations, you may have heard the advice to give yourself lots of time, get the earliest flight possible, use the airline’s app, etc. And that’s all true. But here are some tips you may not have thought of:
Weep
Yelling at the airline staff will get you nowhere. It’s not their fault, and they’re tired and stressed out, too. But what I found does work is sobbing. On my delayed-many-times-over flight earlier this month, ugly crying got me half-price on checked bags and got a gate agent to help me when I was at the wrong gate because I didn’t want to wait in the long line at the one I was supposed to be at. I wasn’t trying to be manipulative. They were real tears of frustration, but darn it if they didn’t grease the skids.
Elevator Music
Pretty much the first three minutes of any call to an airline’s customer service number is them telling you to use their web site instead. You think I didn’t try that first, Southwest?! You think I wanted to listen to a robot tell me what a dumbass I am for calling you and be on hold for 45 minutes because I was able to accomplish everything I needed on your app? And don’t use the get-a-call-back feature. They will never call you back. Put that elevator hold-music on speaker and go about your business: typing, hanging drywall, whatever. They will only pick up when you’re pooping, anyway, so maybe head to the loo to speed things up. When you finally get a human being on the phone is when the magic happens.
7,800 Calories Worth of Snacks
My most recent and most difficult flight was with my family, to include two children. Our flight got canceled on one airline and then delayed a total of about 16 hours on the other. We’d packed snacks for the plane, but they were not enough. Food options at the current KCI Airport are very few after you get through security. (A new airport is opening next year and they just DGAF about the current one anymore.) You need to pack enough nonperishable snacks to feed a family of four for two to three days. Even if you’re flying solo. You can spread the love with your fellow stranded passengers. This is even more vital for children because if they have food in their mouths, it’s much harder for them to whine.
Probably Still Wear Masks
People still have the ‘vid, y’all, and everyone I know who has had it lately got it after coming back from somewhere on a plane. It’s just not as scary anymore. My family is vaccinated to the hilt, so while I’m not scared of the disease, I am absolutely terrified of spending 10 days quarantined with my children. And there were people with some juicy, phlegmy, coughs on my last flight. I’m probably going to just wear a mask on planes forever because I often got a cold from them before. Look at me funny all you want, Diane, but I won’t be the one congested and sneezing in 80% humidity. (You do NOT want a summer cold in the Midwest.)
Like the glutton for punishment that I am, I’m flying again in a few weeks. But I’ve got tears ready to fall, enough protein bars for a large police academy class, an N-95 mask and all day to listen to smooth jazz on speakerphone, so come at me, airlines!
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