Dads dressing kids: A pondering of failures

Not my husband/kid but TOTALLY could be.

It’s that time of year in the Midwest during which we turn our HVAC systems from heat to air-conditioning and back again several times in one week. This extremely variable climate also extremely reduces the likelihood that my husband will dress our children appropriately. 

I should start by saying that, overall, my husband is a better parent than I am. His well of patience is much deeper. He enjoys playing with the kids more than I do. (My eyes kind of glaze over when “playing food” with the 2-year-old and/or fighting Lego creatures with the 6-year-old, but my husband seems happy as can be.) He has often said that if I made enough money, he would love to be a stay-at-home parent. (I love my kids, but my brain would atrophy, and I would probably scream a lot if I stayed home with them all the time. And, honestly, I’d likely gain weight and wear yoga pants full time. I know myself.) 

There is one aspect of parenting where I’m the clear winner, however: dressing our children. I don’t know how such an intelligent man who seems to have no problem dressing himself can make such a hot mess of dressing our children. He dresses them in clothes completely inappropriate for the weather. He dresses them in clothes that don’t fit. And he dresses them in some of the clashiest stuff I’ve ever seen. 

Let’s start with the weather. The man appears to check the weather app on his phone every morning, but this does not trickle down to the attire of our children. Will the high be in the 50s with sunshine? Well, in his mind, the sunshine must be warm, so it’s tank top and shorts for the boy and a sun dress for the girl. I have a picture of when our daughter was eight months old the day after Labor Day. I remember it was in the 80s outside that day. My husband dressed her in a pink, thermal onesie with a snowman on it that said “you melt my heart” and gray, footed pants. It was still summer. 

My spouse’s idea of clothes that “match” also are very different than the general population’s. In fact, they are very similar to those of our 6-year-old son. My son’s idea of matching is, “Ooh! I should wear that red shirt with red pants!” When it comes to our kids, my husband isn’t too far off. He thinks monochromatic is da’ bomb on juveniles. One of my favorites was when he put our toddler daughter in a neon pink sweatshirt with hot pink pants. Direct quote: “What?! They’re both pink. I don’t see the problem.” I reiterate that he does not have this problem with dressing himself. I mean, he’s an engineer, so basically he just chooses a polo shirt and khakis and is done for the day, so it’s not that complicated. Maybe if there were a lot of khaki-colored polo shirts he’d have the same monochrome problem, I don’t know. 

Finally, the size thing. He has never once removed an item of clothing that our children have outgrown. I have to do it. Every. Time. He doesn’t seem to notice when someone’s belly is sticking out or pants have gone high-water. He throws it in the laundry and puts that petite sucker right back on a kid as soon as its clean. A few months ago, right before our son turned 6 years old, my husband put him to bed while I put our 2-year-old daughter to bed. The next morning, my son got up, and when I saw him I immediately demanded, “What are you wearing?!” It was his sister’s shirt. The sister who is almost four years younger than him and a girl and about half his height. My husband put it on him as a pajama shirt and saw no problem with it. 

It seems I’m not the only one with this issue. When our son was in preschool, I hoped the teachers could tell that it was his dad who dressed him some days. That or they thought the kid dressed himself. There’s really little difference.