Many suburban mom social media posts are cloaked in hidden meaning. As a suburban mom myself (a little closer to the urban side, but I think I still qualify) and someone who does social media as part of my job, I think I’m uniquely qualified to help translate those posts that have been hanging out there on Facebook, trying to portray a perfect family and perfect life, but that make you go, "hmmm..." Let me break it down for you.
Post: [Picture of some uber healthy meal - bonus points if it’s vegan and/or includes quinoa, cauliflower, or coconut milk]
“Made this for lunch. It is sooooo good!”
Translation: “Look at how healthy I am! This tastes like yard and I’m eating Arby’s for dinner.”
Post: [Recipe video of something with Nutella, cream cheese and peanut butter]
“OMG, this looks amazing but so fatty.”
Translation: “This. This is what I really want to eat.”
Post: “Does anyone have recommendations for a good plumber?”
Translation: “My kid put a Transformer Rescue Bot, a whole roll of toilet paper and two wash cloths in the toilet.”
Post: [Picture of kids on first day of the school year]
“Look how much they’ve grown! The time goes by too fast.”
Translation: “HALLELUJAH. They gone!”
Post: [Selfie in car.]
“Just another day in traffic.”
Translation: “I took this photo seven times. Please tell me I’m pretty.”
Post: [Selfie of suburban mom with her husband, suburban dad, on a non-anniversary occasion.]
“I love this man more than anything in the world. He is a wonderful father. He is my everything and I’m so glad I found my soulmate.”
Translation: “I’ve been talking on Messenger with my high school boyfriend and sent him a picture of my boobs. Need. To. Compensate.”
Post: “I got to go to Target by myself! It was glorious!”
Translation: None. This is completely genuine. And “I went for laundry detergent and spent two hours and $200.”
Post: [Photo of family on annual trip to pumpkin patch.]
Translation: “What if I sent them into the corn maze and just left?”
Post: [in swap and shop with picture of clothes] “Super cute jeans. Size 6. New with tags! Smoke-free, pet-free home.”
Translation: “These were my ‘goal pants.’ I’ve given up on meeting that goal. Now pass the cinnamon rolls and let’s binge-watch all of the Hoarders episodes.”
Post: “BEWARE: You never think it will happen to you until it does. I was at [insert big box store or park here], and I noticed this guy staring at my kids and/or me. We walked away for a minute, and when I turned around, there he was again, still looking at us/me! Now I’m starting to get creeped out. So we go over to the other side and I could tell he was definitely following us. Then a second person came up on the phone, and it was obvious he knew the guy, and they were plotting how they could kidnap us and sell us into human trafficking. It was classic abduction protocol. I called my sister’s best friend, and she told me she saw on her Facebook moms group that there have been a lot of attempted kidnappings in the area lately, so we left as fast as we could. I’m so glad I was alert and paying attention, or else I don’t want to think about what could have happened to us/me. Human trafficking is real! This guy was ready to abduct my well-supervised children and/or me from a public space with lots of other people around and make us sex slaves in southeast Asia. So glad I followed my instincts. How sad is it we can’t go out in public anymore without these monsters trying to rip away our innocence?! Here’s the picture I took of him. Please go out with pitchforks and impale him through the scrotum.”
Translation: PAY ATTENTION TO ME. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. AREN’T MY KIDS AMAZING? EVERYONE WANTS TO STEAL THEM! I know he was probably just trying to tell me I dropped something but PAY ATTENTION TO ME.
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