Happy Holidays from Beezow-doo-doo Zoppitybop-bop-bop

A couple of years ago, I gave you one of the best gifts I possibly could for Christmas: a sampling of my collection of ridiculous names. I’ve acquired several more delectably moronic names since then (Luv Wrotten, anyone?), and I’m feeling in that generous holiday spirit, so I’m going to share more. I tried not overlap, but there may be a couple from last time that were just too good. My winner for best name of the last two years is at the end, so you have to read the whole thing to find out. Do not scroll down and cheat, loser!

Also, my husband and I are trying to come up with a name for baby No. 2, a girl, and not agreeing on much, even though she’s due in about two months. When tossing around names the other day, husband wisely asked, “How is that going to look on a résumé?” I have a feeling the parents who bestowed the below names never asked themselves that question.

And as last time, these are all real and from here in the middle of the Midwest. I didn’t cull them from national news or anything like that. They’ve been sent to me by people who know I collect crazy names (it’s way more fun than nesting dolls and takes up less space), including reporter friends who run across them in court records and from my own perusals of newspapers and such. They run the gamut on age and ethnicity. I tried to leave out the ones that were obviously foreign and normal for their cultures.

I’ve organized them into groups, starting with just the first names.

Your expectations are too high

Dinero - bring on the pesos!
Dominant - is the sibling named Submissive?
Messiah
Heavenly
Honesty
Queenester - I’m assuming like the Esther from the Bible who saved the people of Israel. That’s a lot to live up to. Not as much as Messiah, though, I guess.
Shrine
Jordache - Never mind. Not a lot to live up to with an 80’s denim brand.

Fine name, but spelled the dumbest way possible

DominiQue - There is no need whatsoever for a capital letter (or apostrophe, for that matter) just randomly stuck in a first name.
Elexsis
Jazzmon
Mellissia
Mykhil
Rossschell - The three consecutive S’s really make this one a stand-out.
Tyszn

The always popular “it looks like it kind of rhymes with diarrhea” category

Kiearea
Day’Teara
Turriah – I imagine this is what a drunk person slurring the word “diarrhea” would make it sound like.

Just. Nope.

Adidas – Shoe brand ≠ equal good person name.
Arkadiusz
CarL’Reese - combining the deadly sins of random capital letters and apostrophes
Cashinita
Cha’Sha
DeEric and DeMarvin -why just be Marvin when you can be DE Marvin?
Joedon - twice the redneck in one name!
Kizuwanda
LaResasha
Qiyamha
Taki
Yankuba

General WTF first names

Audraft – This reminds me too much of the term for when payments automatically come out of your bank account.

Biagio – Like the name of a casino that’s trying really hard to be fancy but just isn’t.

Equeecia – The sound it makes when you’re trying to squeeze something out of an orifice?

Fanandous – This needs to be a new adjective – fantastic and stupendous together. “Those cookies were fanandous!”

Flash – Really? I imagine the middle name is “Of’Lightning” and the brother is Aquaman.

J’Ya – What J’Ya doing for lunch today?

Jelious – A reporter friend sent me the docket entry on this guy, who was for real arrested for domestic violence. Ironic and sad.

Menthol – Mom or dad decided their favorite kind of cigarette was the best name to give a human being. Props.

Morocco – If we’re going to go naming people after African nations, Djibouti is the obvious choice, here.

Samajay – For some reason, this seems like the verb for, “I’m making a peanut butter and jelly and sandwich.”
e.g.
“What are you doing in the kitchen?”
“Samajay.”
“Sounds good. Can you make me one, too?”

Symphanee – That’s. Not. How. To. Spell. That.

Takila – That’s not how to spell that, either.

Tumyia – Like what you’d affectionately call a toddler’s belly.

First, middle and last name combos

This is where things get out of control. I mentioned Luv Wrotten earlier. Ladies, stay away from him and what I presume to be the horrible 80s punk band he certainly belongs to.

My friend Dan once told me he went to elementary school with Buddy Wieners. I want to give that kid a hug right now, and I hope he turned out OK.

Rapture Mapps – God’s going to suck him right out of here before all the topography work is finished.

Befored Bangs (this is a man’s first and middle name) – Did the mom really hate her own hair after she cut fringe into it?

Crystal Metheney – Another docket entry from a reporter. She was, sadly, arrested for drugs.

October Dawn Hallmark – She is her own greeting card.

This name that was totally legally changed to this: Beezow-doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop

I know I said I’d tried to avoid obviously foreign names, but, but: Ding Deng. Who’s there? Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

And finally, the very best name of 2015-16 goes to:

Ecclesiastical Denzel Washington.

Merry Christmas!