Aaah, graduation season: When legions of idealistic and pretty clueless young people embark on their next phase of life. It’s been a long time since I graduated from anything, but it really doesn’t feel that long ago. I spoke at my high school graduation. I wasn’t valedictorian. I actually was ranked fifth in my class. (I attribute this to the fact that I took dual-credit college courses instead of recreational sports my senior year. Pulling an A- in college algebra put me a smidge behind the people who got a straight A in badminton. My school obviously did not give any GPA weight to harder classes, about which I remain a little miffed.) The valedictorian did speak, but my school also had try-outs for another speaking spot. I am one of the weird ones who enjoy public speaking, and I obviously felt I had very valuable wisdom to impart to my classmates. There actually were a lot of people who tried out, and I was pleased that I was selected to speak.
I don’t remember a damn thing I said. I think it was something about how we were the class of 2000 and how monumental that was. In hindsight, it wasn’t really that big of a deal. And it is with that hindsight that I draft a revised speech - a speech I would give if my 33-year-old wisdom were put into my 17-year-old brain. So, here is the speech I would give to my graduating classmates today:
“Well, class of 2000, we made it! All the computers and clocks in the world didn’t stop like everyone was freaked out about a few months ago, so that was good, right? Not that I was that worried about Y2K when the actual new year rang in, as I was holding my friend’s hair while she threw up at the party at that guy’s grandma’s house when the clock struck midnight. And to all the drunk friends I sober-drove around this year, you’re welcome. You are very lucky to have a friend who is an ardent enough rule-follower not to drink underage but not ardent enough to avoid underage drinking parties altogether. You will need risk-avoiders like me later in life. My people will keep you from totally screwing up, and your people will help mine live a little.
“Speaking of totally screwing up, did you notice that like 70 people in our class dropped out? Of high school. High school isn’t that hard. Fortunately, they were the ones who did most of the bullying in middle school, so it was pretty nice to see them go, right? Some of them you soon will be supporting with your tax dollars. They will out-breed the successful among us by a ratio of roughly four children to one. Their tattoos also will outnumber everyone else’s by about the same ratio. And maybe one of the meanest ones might end up being pursued by police in a live-broadcasted car chase. Maybe she’ll end up in jail in the same building where I do public relations for a large law enforcement agency someday, and I will relish her downfall and then feel a little guilty for feeling that way. I mean, I’m just throwing out ideas, here.
“And to my fellow female classmates, if you’re like me, high school has been challenging, romantically. The guys you liked always seemed to go with girls who were dumber and easier than you, and sometimes less attractive. Oh sure, they liked to flirt with you when their girlfriends weren’t around, but you wanted something more substantial. Fear not. High school relationships rarely matter. And the guys you’re crushing on now? In 15 years, most of them will be overweight, and/or bald and/or boring. Save yourself for a guy who has not hit his hotness peak yet. Many of the ones you think look kind of skinny or dorky now will be ten times hotter at age 35, when all the jocks you presently yearn for are looking into Rogaine and moving out to the next hole on their belts. And go for someone as smart as you. When the initial lust has burned away, you still will enjoy matching wits and having meaningful conversations. That’ll last you a lifetime. And, let’s face it, the smarter ones will make more money. In fact, I think you should go to California and try to get to know this guy named Mark Zuckerberg. Just a hunch.
“To those kind-of skinny, dorky guys: your time is coming. The quality girls will be waiting for you. To the jocks: you’re not going to be able to eat like that for much longer without consequences.
“We are incredibly fortunate, though, to have some of the finest television shows and music that ever will be created. ‘My So-Called Life,’ ‘Friends’ and ‘Dawson’s Creek’ on TV with Oasis, Alanis Morissette and Matchbox 20 on the radio. Future generations will lament the suckiness of their own entertainment by comparison.
“But I ask that you please get out of here, at some point. You can come back and live in this town, that’s fine, but see what else is out there. See what’s outside our state and our country, even if just for a short visit. Read and learn about points of view that differ from your own. Get to know someone different than you. Or else you’ll just be another redneck with truck nuts who will someday blame a guy named Barack Obama for everything that’s wrong with your life and watch ridiculously biased 24-hour news stations. Or trashy reality television. It's just 'Real World' right now, but I think a time is coming when legions of television shows will focus on the unscripted and highly edited world of moronic narcissists. You will get more ignorant by watching.
“We’re much dumber than we think, in fact. We giggle and travel in packs and annoy people at shopping centers. We do stupid things to impress members of the opposite sex. We wear stupid clothes. What are you thinking with the JNCO jeans? (The Doc Martens, though, they’ll last for years.) We think things are black and white and that our actions have little consequence. We’ll figure it out eventually, but we’ll get hurt and hurt others in the process.
“So you should wait a while to have kids. You’re not ready for it. You’re immature, impatient, selfish and have so little foresight. You need to get wiser. You need to get some selfish desires out of the way, because that kid will someday demand your very sleep from you. And probably make it so your hips will never again be able to fit into the pants you’re wearing now.
“We, by and large, all will gain weight. Most of us aren’t done growing yet. We’re not too far off, though, so take it easy on the Fritos. Stop drinking pop now. It will give you diabetes and eat your teeth and stomach lining. Stay active. There’s not going to be any more P.E. class or track practice making you do stuff. You’ll have to do it on your own. And in your mid-to-late 20’s, your metabolism will slow significantly. You’ll eat handfuls of Halloween candy your coworker’s kid collected that they brought into the office so their child wouldn’t go haywire, and you immediately will get nauseous. You can handle that kind of sugar now, but not so far in the future, it will send you into a glucose crash the likes of which you won’t know until you have to take one of those stupid prenatal diabetes tests.
“So, class of 2000, keep all these things in mind as we celebrate today the mediocre accomplishment of graduating high school. May this be one of the lesser things in which you take pride in the future!”
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