Time with Tarcheechee, Turquoise, Te'Air and Thirplus Moose

Around the same time I read “Freakonomics” and its chapter titled, “Would a Roshanda by Any Other Name Smell as Sweet?”, Thirplus Moose got arrested. Yup. Thirplus Moose. My boss at the time said, “That’th when you have exthtra mootheth.” Actually, what Thirplus Moose did was pretty terrible – he killed a 70-something-year-old guard during a bank robbery. Google his name and “bank robbery” and you can get all the awful details. He’s in prison for the next 35 years.

Also around this time, I heard the urban legend that exists at our local pediatric hospital where a couple of my doctor friends did their residencies. It goes like this: A doctor walked in to see the infant patient, La-a. Upon greeting the mother, the doctor asked, “So, how is, um, La-Ah doing today?” And the mother angrily replied, “It’s La-dash-a! You say the dash!”

The confluence of La-dash-a, my reading of "Freakonomics" and my introduction to Thirplus Moose prompted me to start a collection: a collection of ridiculous names. I have accumulated these for the last five or so years. I’ve seen them in public court documents, news articles, obituaries, and reporter friends have passed on to me amusing ones they’ve run across. Nearly all of them are local - encountered in the middle of the Midwest. I’ve left out names that are obviously foreign. These also span the racial spectrum. Many of them I don’t even know the race. Some are names of elderly people and some are of very young kids. And I absolutely did not make any of these up. So for your enjoyment, here’s a curated collection of some of my favorites (my apologies if you are one of the people named here, and I'm sorry you've had to carry such a burden during your life):

Best Full Names

Barbbie Liberty

Turquoise President

Luv Wrotten

Rapture Mapps

Miss Mellos Love

Sundance Silvertooth

Best first-middle name combos

Sparkle LaStarr

Princess Adorable

Befored Bangs

Mac Hercules

Now on to just the first names. I’ve tried to group these into categories. And all of them are “sic.”

Words misappropriated as names

Aliance	Alias	Aryan (ironic because this was not a white person)
British	Burley	Cinnamon
Desire	Heaven	Iranian
Jock	Latrine (seriously)	Lent
Lover/Lovey	Major	Marvel
Menthol	Morocco	Nimrod
Pleaze	Princess	Queen
Radius	Rejoin	Sabre
Series	Shrine	Sparkle
Unique	Zephr

And last but not least, these three members of the same family with an aspirational mom: Vision, Knowledge and Future

Dreams of the Good Life and Brand Names Gone Awry

ATM (also, seriously)

Capone (well, the gangsta’ life)

Cashinita

Champagne and this sad spelling of it: Champayne

Chiquita

Jimillion

Lexus

Nautica

Princess

Sirterry (aspirations of knighthood!)

Hmm, that sounds like something else…

Cushun

JuWanna

Quareter (“quarter” with a southern accent?)

Wyomie

Youwanda

Zxerius (yes, I’m Zxerius)

Other stuff that I imagine these names rhyme with

Angel: Ain’Jel

Ammonia: Armonia

Banal: Banial

Diarrhea: A’Keyrea, Duryea, Kiearea

Entrail: Sentrayle

Go cheese: Coqueese

Kwanzaa: Jwanza

Nation: Nae’Sion

The Taint (Spanish): El Teainte

The Air: Te’Air

Smithereen (the singular version of what you blow something up into): Vivereen

Yule: Uel

And this one that I think rhymes with Connecticut: Shunteticut

People whose parents obviously wanted a child of a different gender

Dale’Kia

Earlmisha

Earlnita

MacNadine

Martyia

Norbertine

Oscartenia

If you can pronounce these correctly, you know more than me

Daeshafaun	Day’Smyne
Ersar’rne	Franatte
Gikadhyn	Knolues
Lastrape	Micean
Mounnea	Muryel’Zha
Odies	Ounjanishe
Quachai	Tateasheia
Thresse	Tosjia
Tychius	Vandolon
Zakiyat

De/La

De’Asia and LaAsia

DeClue

De’Elegance

DeMony (I’m assuming this is pronounced  “da’ money”)

DeVoice

LaKeista (Spanish for “the keester?”

LaQueena

Just, why? Why?

Altrances	Author May	Bhishm	Birdylene	Calixx
Cleother	Elcue	Fulece	Gearmon	Ijris
Jugbear	Mandingo	Mingus	Pagerine	Pornlert
Quitman	Rayth (“race” with a lisp?)	Suitumua	Supreen	Tarcheechee
Toekeywon	Tonto (only OK if you’re American Indian)	Toyyonka	Venoris	Verple

So when it came time to name my own child, my husband and I thought long and hard. There’s a lot that goes into deciding a name, and we took it as a very heavy responsibility (unlike the parents of some of the people on this list – ATM? Quitman? Sundance?). Our child would carry this with him for the rest of his life, and it would always affect people’s perceptions of him. It took us eight months to decide. I didn’t want anything too weird or too popular. My husband wanted only apostle names, but I thought they were too common and bland. We wanted to dub our son something that would set him up for success, unlike the strange ones that "Freakonomics" says people give their kids because they subconsciously have low expectations for them. It turns out our biggest obstacle was one of us would like a name, then the other one would say, “No, I went to high school with a total douche bag who was named that.”   

In the end, we chose Spencer. And it is perfect for him. Maybe Pornlert is a perfect fit for that person, too.