While most white women love murder (mostly just the shows and podcasts about it), I find myself inextricably drawn to cults. (Again, of the shows and podcasts variety. I do not keep joining cults.) Why are they so intriguing? Why do people keep falling for their charismatic-leader, brainwashing junk? What’s with all the polygamy? It’s time to explore my fascination with them.
I’m not against a good Dateline episode or true crime podcast. I’m not a cop, but I have worked in and around law enforcement for almost two decades, so murder is, sadly, kind of old hat to me. The vast, vast majority of murders are not made-for-TV. They’re usually the same unfortunate story of throwing a gun into poor conflict resolution skills and/or drug deals gone bad. The kinds of homicides that do make it on 48 Hours are much rarer and sexier, usually featuring scorned lovers, big life insurance policies and attractive white women.
But cults, man. Cults are not a part of my day-to-day life, and I cannot watch and listen to enough stuff about them. Here’s why I think I find them so intriguing:
My religious upbringing
I was brought up as an evangelical Christian. Not culty. A lot of pot luck dinners, though. (As I have said before, I mostly still consider myself an evangelical Christian, but the term “evangelical” has come to mean such gross political conservatism I scarcely use it anymore.) My politics aside, I learned growing up of all the warnings about false prophets in the Bible, which I guess has always kind of had me on high alert and given me a healthy degree of skepticism for people who claim God told them something very explicit and very weird. Oh, God told you the true believers are all gonna’ ride a comet to a new planet full of virgins on Sept. 27, 2026? Sure, Jan.
My Dad
To be clear, my dad is not and has never been a cult leader. He did serve on his town’s board of parks and recreation for 10+ years, though. He helped shepherd in a new dog park, not underage wives for a “prophet’s” nephew. He also was the teacher of our high school Sunday school class at church. He taught several lessons on different cults and how to identify and avoid them. He had several books about them at home that I frequently perused. I remember wondering how people could literally drink the Kool-aid of these belief systems? How did a book that was clearly science fiction spawn a whole celebrity-filled religion? Why do women almost always get the short end of the stick in these deals?
Polygamy
Speaking of oppressing women, let’s go with the obviously most fascinating feature of some of these cults: polygamy. I think any married mom can admit there are times a sister wife sounds appealing. Like who doesn’t want a little help pulling out all of the underwear the kids leave in their pants at laundry time or reading all the emails from school? And maybe someone to clap back with you when the husband is being a tool. But like a celibate sister wife because otherwise, just no. I can’t with the “whose bedroom is he going to tonight?” BS.
According to my highly reliable source of television documentaries, cults with polygamy pretty much always get into oppressing women and sexually assaulting underage girls. There are always the stupid dresses and the stupid hair braids and the gross old man “prophets.” The girls and women are just breeding property who do all the cooking and cleaning while the men are constantly doing construction work. What are they always building? My best guesses are temples for invasive ceremonies, warehouses for homeschool curricula and armories to fend off the feds when they come to rescue the girls and arrest the prophet.
Charismatic leaders
I realize a lot of cult members were born into them and know nothing else. But then there are the people who are just living their lives and come across the coo-coo teachings of some guy and are like, “Yup, I should leave my family and friends, get a bowl cut, go live off the grid and give all my money to that guy!” How does that happen? It is such an intriguing psychological phenomenon: both the characteristics of the leader and the characteristics of the people who get sucked in by them.
You know what would make me want to join a cult? Mandatory daily naps, an ever-ready supply of Dippin’ Dots, a kitten room and someone else who makes dinner for your unappreciative children. Maybe these are just part of the benefits package at some Silicon Valley companies.
I realize cults have destroyed the lives of many people and families. They traffic in shame and aim to quash critical thinking. I just want to wrap my arms around those people who have managed to escape. I want to tell them about the real, amazing grace the loving God offers and enroll them in a community college debate class. And ladies, you don’t have to share your man with anyone else. You can even wear pants.
