I just turned 37 years old. It’s not a milestone or anything, but after being around some young people lately, it made me realize how much being older really does make you wiser. Imagine how much wiser I could be in another 37 years! Anyway, here are 37 life lessons I’ve learned - one for each of my years here on this earth - learned not from books (OK, one of them is from a book but is borne out by my life experiences) but just from livin’. They’re in no particular order:
1. It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Especially if you work in a bureaucracy.
2. Shop at Aldi. It’s so much cheaper, and the quality is second to none. Plus, who knows what unexpected thing you’ll find in the fun aisle? Downside: you’ll feel totally ripped off going to regular grocery stores.
3. Having children is the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m an over-achiever who is used to doing well at most things, but I feel like I fail at parenting every day in some way or another. But as my former pastor and friend Dylan used to say about having kids: “Hardest thing ever. Best thing ever.”
4. Easier than children: pets. Have pets. Your life will be richer for them. And covered in hair, but they’re worth it.
5. I didn’t party enough in college. I graduated magna cum laude from a tough school and spent my senior year working 40 hours a week for the school newspaper while carrying a full class load. It got me a job in my field the day after graduation. But darn it if I just wish I would have studied abroad, drank more, and made out with a few more guys.
6. There is no better place to live than the Midwest: cost of living, nice people, exciting weather, big cities that never feel too crowded and small towns. It’s all here.
7. Home ownership is overrated. Replacement windows are the least-exciting things I’ve ever spent that much money on.
8. Doing a job you enjoy is more important than making a lot of money. I’ve been offered jobs at which I’d make a lot more money, but I could begin to hear the sound of my soul getting sucked out during and decided to stick with what I love.
9. You know how you can do well in your career? Just be nice and work hard. You don’t have to be the smartest one in the room or some aggressive d-bag. Just take initiative and be the kind of person other people want to work around. It will take you places.
10. The guys I crushed hardest on in high school are overweight and/or bald now. The man I ended up marrying was apparently kind of dorky in high school (I didn’t meet him until his mid-20s) but is now super good looking with a healthy BMI and a full head of hair. Teenage girls, remember that. Those jocks’ metabolism will slow down like a ton of bricks not long after graduation, but the dorky guy is a late bloomer who may be attractive well into middle age.
11. Travel outside the United States. Learn how other people live and what they think of us. And be ready: a lot of them think we suck.
12. Missing White Woman syndrome is totally real. I work in law enforcement. Trust me, people care way more about a missing white girl from the affluent part of town than a missing black boy from the urban core. More news coverage, more social media shares, more everything.
13. Live beneath your means. I drive a 15-year-old car, shop at thrift stores and have only hand-me-down televisions. We could afford a house that’s much bigger and nicer. But we don’t, and we’re happy, and hopefully our kids won’t have student loans some day and we can afford fixing wood rot on the house (see No. 7) or feline medical emergencies (see No. 4).
14. You will get hemorrhoids in pregnancy. And then you will have them forever.
15. Don’t be afraid of medicine. Without medicine, I’d be an anxious, depressed, acne-ridden mess with 10 kids and stomach ulcers. Not all chemicals are bad. Better living through pharmaceuticals!
16. There is so much gray. When I was younger, I thought everything was black and white. I will fight for this side! I will fight against that side! But rarely are things so clearly demarcated, from politics to social issues. Also, working full-time with kids has made me too tired to fight for much of anything, except for someone taking one damn bite of what I cooked for dinner (see No. 3).
17. This quote from the book Factfulness by Hans Rosling, which EVERYONE needs to read to better understand our world (and relates a lot to the above):
“Being always in favor of or always against any particular idea makes you blind to information that doesn’t fit your perspective. This is usually a bad approach if you like to understand reality.
“Instead, constantly test your favorite ideas for weaknesses. Be humble about the extent of your expertise. Be curious about new information that doesn’t fit, and information from other fields. And rather than talking only to people who agree with you, or collecting examples that fit your ideas, see people who contradict you, disagree with you, and put forward different ideas as a great resource for understanding the world.”
18. Spend money on experiences, not stuff. They are what you/your family will remember most and they won’t fill your house with crap.
19. There is no silver bullet for health. Don’t buy the latest snake oil/diet/work-out fad. Some things work for some people, others don’t. We’re all different, and CBD/Whole 30/Cross Fit will not put everyone on the cover of a fitness magazine. Nor will eating pretzels made from cauliflower. If you gave up gluten, you gave up pretzels. Live with it. Or go eat your fart snacks, it’s not my problem.
20. Everyone was made with a God-shaped hole. God designed it that way, so we would seek him. I have seen so many people desperately try to fill that hole with other things - relationships, money, careers, fitness, drugs, adrenaline, control, intellectualism. I did. They aren’t all bad. They can satisfy for a while. But by their very nature, they are not God and therefore do not provide lasting fulfillment. We were created to be in relationship with the Creator.
21. Cyclists are the whiniest group of people on social media.
22. There are few greater pleasures than a good book. Read often. Learn. Escape.
23. Men don’t take hints. Not at home. Not at work. Ladies, you may think you’re being rude or patronizing to get the point across, but it’s what you have to do. Something about the scrotum prevents males from picking up on subtleties.
24. A low-drama lifestyle is happiest. Some people thrive on drama. They gossip and post vague things on social media about being wronged. They constantly wonder if someone is mad at them or relish in one-upping somebody. That’s a stressful and small-minded way to live.
25. Planning a wedding is a lot more fun in theory than in reality.
26. Sleep is amazing. It’s all I’ve asked for for my past several birthdays and Christmases.
27. Hey, let’s not have once-eradicated diseases come roaring back and kill us all by vaccinating your GD kids according to medical schedules that have been researched to death, mmmkay? In fact, I want more vaccines! For hand, foot and mouth, croup, for all the flus, etc. etc.
28. Dear kids of today, don’t put stupid stuff on social media. Your drunken bikini pictures with your sorority sisters or the kegger with your frat bros don’t play well in the job hunt. And SnapChat never really goes away.
29. Protect yourself from the sun. If won’t listen to me, listen to Baz Luhrmann.
30. Parenting = guilt. (See No. 3) I feel guilty about being a working mom. I feel guilty about not feeding my kids organic everything. I feel guilty about how frustrated my strong-willed kid makes me. I feel guilty about wanting to sleep more than play Legos. I feel guilty about screen time. I feel guilty about not being a crafty mom. I feel guilty about not keeping the house clean enough. I feel guilty because sometimes I don’t think I feel guilty enough.
31. Marry someone who shares your values and makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place. But if you’re missing those things, you’re in for a rough ride.
32. Don’t feed your anger. Example: pretty much everything that comes out of the current president’s mouth makes me angry. So I don’t read it. I tune out news stories about the stupid stuff he’s said or done. I read enough to be informed but not enough to ruin my day. (Note: some things we need to be angry about, like, say, innocent children separated from their families and kept as prisoners in inhumane conditions.) I could also dwell on how I was wronged by that guy in traffic or how my kid talked back to me, but why? Running it over and over in my mind just makes me unhappy, and that’s not how I want to live.
33. Learn from history (ahem, Mr. President). There is nothing new under the sun. Even with stuff like social media. People have always done stupid stuff. Now they just have a place to post it for everyone to see.
34. Pick your battles: at work, with your kids, at election time. Some are worth fighting. Many are not. If you try to fight them all you’ll just be angry and exhausted.
35. There really is no such thing as a free lunch. Somebody somewhere is paying. Similarly, if you ever wonder why things are the way they are, follow the money. Things usually are the way they are because someone is making money at it.
36. Donate your organs. I have seen how valuable this is in the last few years.
37. Treasure your parents.
Now excuse me while I go try to learn more life lessons. If I can stay awake.
